A Silent Battle

Let's start with a short back story...

Meet Noelle. A 17 year old and currently attending a private Christian school almost at the end of her junior year. She loves learning and even the school work entailed with it. If you're wondering, I did ask her again for clarification when she said the words "love" and "schoolwork" together. She has the grades to prove it. Selected to be the school A.S.B. "Chaplain", has won several awards such as Most Inspirational, M.V.P, Athletic School Spirit Award and was selected as Captain for both her basketball and softball teams.  5'10, with a gorgeous long blonde mane and a hilarious sarcastic personality, most would say she has all the qualities of a great leader and would be oozing with self-confidence, toughness and drive.

Sounds like the perfectly well adjusted teen. Private school, star athlete, pretty... With the excpetion of her toughness, what people see on the outside is often FAR from the reality and truth from the life a person has lived or is living. Her family has suffered financial tragedy after tragedy which for a kid growing up equates to instability as you move home to home. Near death experiences in her immediate family brought emotional stress. The pressure to maintain her academic and athletic "statuses' others expected, added to her load of co-dependency and the need to please others. Which meant stay silent and suck it up. And she did. No one would ever expect to see her big hazel brown eyes fill up with tears and hear the words:

            "I use to hate myself. I still struggle with insecurity all the time. It's hard to believe and it's hard to say the word 'beautiful' and 'me' in the same sentence. It's very hard for me...Bout to cry right now...I hate you so much (chuckles)."

 Not the words I expected to hear that was for sure. Mind you this beautiful chick happens to be my niece. My initial response should have been to fill her tank with a bunch of affirming words to let her know she IS beautiful, and I eventually did after a few jokes to break the ice. Her and I are like kindred spirits. To other's, telling her she is not "fugly" would have been insensitive or bad timing, but for her and I we rolled laughing. Noelle has been deemed by the entire family, "Just like her Aunt Kellie...Deep...The Dark Child" her whole life. Me personally, I've always taken that as a compliment. She's hilarious, smart, fearless...Until I realized with that meant she must carry and have the same thoughts as I. The same way of processing her feelings. The same way of suppressing them. The amazing talent of hiding them. So let's unpack this all.

What is it that brings out your "Warrior Side," good or bad?

"That's simple...Injustices, ungratefulness, complainers, God getting the blame for all the bad things that happen...OH! I cannot stand what I like to call "Facebook Missionaries."

"Ugly", We KNOW you are not. So why do you think you feel the way you do? What makes you feel you are not beautiful?

"Ever since I was little I've always envied the women of my family. They've always been able to say words like that about themselves so easily and I've never understood why I couldn't. I'm better with it now, but it's still a struggle. As an athlete you're always comparing yourself to others. So when the season ends I had nothing to compare myself with. It's a work in progress. It's hard to share an insecurity like that with other people. Most people think you're lying or fishing for a compliment. The reality is, and this sounds totally cheesy and sappy, but you just never know what truly someone is going through. Or what's going on at home. What their struggles are if you just look from the outside. I feel like I am one of the most misunderstood people in the world, like few get me. Which I'm learning is just my pride."

Now, you've mentioned 'hating yourself' and 'struggles' that others cannot see from the outside.

"I come from a family of ministry. Because our family has had such a strong calling in ministry, the enemy has always looked for ways to attack my family. For me personally, for as long as I can remember, it was always done in a perverted kind of way. Like visually. Like anything and everything was made sexual and these gross pornographic images would just flash in my head. It was nothing I had been exposed to, they would just be there in my head. I wasn't like, purchasing pornographic material or anything like that, because well, I didn't need to. I mean we can be real about this, it leads to "things"...self-gratifying things. You can make excuses, deny it and lie to yourself that it's nobodies business and all that. At some point the conviction and guilt of it sets in. I felt dirty, gross and guilty. I was insecure and just hated myself. My response to it was to become, well, mean. Just mean to everyone around me."

What was the turning point in your life?

"I recently went on a missions trip to Mexicali. We were able to visit a prison while we were there and have Chapel with a group of the prisoners. The topic being discussed was telling your story and how doing so just releases it and is part of your healing. I had already asked for forgiveness and did all that. In my head I was like "It's all good with me and God, nobody needs to know about that part of my past." And then...I was asked to share mine. I was like "REALLY GOD!?!" But I got up there, stood there and had no clue what I was gonna say, but it just came out! One of the adults in our group was translating and it's kinda funny because here I am dropping this bomb on people  and she's crying hearing it then trying to gather herself so she could translate it to the crowd. I was really nervous. I go to a private Christian school, so there are those still stuck in a bubble, so I was worried what the backlash would be. I know that I am suppose to share my story. My full story and to not hide anything because it's healing for me and it's going to bring healing to someone else feeling the same way and having those issues. Everyone there on that trip was supportive and so cool. It gets easier for me each time to share it. The shame of it is gone."

You seemed to have really enjoyed that experience. Would you say that is your passion or calling in life?

"It's one of them. I've known since I was in the 7th grade I wanted to travel and learn of other cultures and how I can help people. I've always wanted to go to Thailand, Uganda and Rwanda. I want to go to those places and not just say here do this my way because it's better. I want to learn about their culture and how we can take their way of life and better it. Build a relationship that lasts longer then a week and never return. That's not what a true missions trip is supposed to be. That's why I can't stand the "Facebook Missionaries." The ones who go to another country, post a few pics and on of themselves holding a sign, then return home and that's the end of it. That kind of "help" isn't help at all. That's just "look at me and this cool thing I did." That leaves no lasting impact for those villages and people you left behind. It's become a trend, and that's annoying to me."

So how do you take your life experiences, struggles you've over come and this passion for missions and wrap that all up into one thing?

"Well, because of my struggle I had experienced I have a heart for the girls trapped in the sex-trafficking industry. More so those who have come out of it and have gone through the healing process of the abuse and stuff. I want to be able to mentor and help girls re-adapt to life after the fact. I have not experienced their life and what they have had to endure, but I am sympathetic to how hard life is for those recovering. I want them to be able to get in a place like me where they can look back on where they were and not be ashamed but be like "MAN! God is GOOD!" Because itis hard trying to find where you fit in, what others think of you and stuff."

So your referring to girls here in the States not just overseas?

"I recently was asked to help assist in the youth ministries at our church. Specifically the girls. I was a little taken back, well scared and nervous. I know I will be uncomfortable at first but that's why I know I'm supposed to do it. So I'm excited to be able to jump in and be a part of it. I'm excited to work with the girls and do some really fun stuff. And be REAL with them in ways I can relate to them. I think that's so important for girls to have that in their life."

So where is life taking you from here?

"My goal is to hopefully graduate early over the Summer. I've got the college in mind I am determined to attend and a general idea of what I want to do in my life as far as my passions. I want to mentor and help girls with life and it's aftermath once you've caught your healing.  I can relate to stress, pressure, financial struggle and poverty, instability, pornography, teen life and all that stuff. I can share my story and where I am NOW despite my life up to this point. And the BIG dream is missions and to travel to other countries and make the biggest impact I can and help those who need it. Not a one week mission/vacation trip. Like, go and envelope myself in it."

What would you say to a person living in the shoes you once wore?

"Hmmm...well, if your plans are ministry in ANY way, disobedience will hinder that. The lie that the devil is having you believe, like he did me, that you're fugly, you don't have a purpose or place in this world or generation is a lie. You were created for a reason and for this time. I think our generation has a real identity crisis and it's all deception. Dig, find out why you're here first. You'll find your purpose and who you are there. And more so you will find the bigger picture isn't about you. And let me tell ya, once you do that and discover that God IS for you and not against you it will start to show in your life...the haters are real people! And favor ain't fair. Some people just won't get it. There is a quote I really like;

"Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

To me that's like BOOM, mic drop. I am misunderstood but it is none of my business what others think of me. I have purpose for being here RIGHT NOW in this time and I'm going to go OUT into the world and make an impact by learning from others and giving of myself to help make that difference....I was called to be His Warrior!"